Help! Love, MOM

Hello there. Welcome back to HELP! Love, MOM. This blog fosters an encouraging, authentic community for moms. We are a no shade, no shame zone! We’re a safe forum for the Mom who feels unseen in some area of her life. We affirm you. We validate you. We are thankful for you. Thanks for connecting.

When you’re a mom and you’re struggling, part of your stress is that the struggle is unseen. What I mean by  “unseen”  is unacknowledged or unvalidated by some of the most important people in your life.

It appears that few care about your situation. This perception can lead to feelings of shame, anger, isolation, frustration and bitterness. Why can’t the people you love see you and show you the love you so richly deserve?

In our society, many including moms, are feeling unseen. In fact, David Brooks in his latest #1 New York Times best selling book How to Know a Person titles one of his chapters “Epidemic of Blindness.” 

Brooks explains, “It is as if people across society have lost the ability to see and understand one another.” He believes that this blindness is “producing a culture that can be brutalizing and isolating.” (97)

Mom, what does this mean for you? It likely means that at least some times and in some seasons of your motherhood you may not be able to look to culture to validate you or your journey.

This lack of validation may seem counterintuitive because, at many levels, your role as Mom role receives many public cheers.  For example, we celebrated Mother’s Day in the USA was last weekend. As always, publicly, the role of mom is seen and ostentatiously saluted.  

However, the price of public accolades for Mom is perfection: perfectly photogenic children, career rising, and connections connecting. For that crisis, Mom, if we care at all, we want you to handle it in an IG reel, real quick.

Our society seems blind as well to the stress and struggle of “regular” life like achieving a sustainable work-life balance, quickly tossed aside, when a suddenly sick child needs even more of your scant time and emotional resources.

It’s also blindness to a job loss that has shifted your family from living comfortably to living carefully. The bounty you earned during your prosperous period hides present financial challenges.

Two of the many insightful things Brooks says is that every person, not HAS a point of view but IS a point of view. What I believe he means is that every mother has a way of looking at life that is unique from every other mother.

Brooks gives an example, “An extrovert walks into a party and sees a different room than an introvert does. A person who has trained as a interior designer sees a different room than a security specialist.” (62)

According to Brooks, it sounds like, too often, we are not seeing each other well because we tend to use OUR own point of view to judge one another.

While it would be amazing if every encounter we have is with people who are aware of their point of view and have a calm, non-judgmental  acceptance of ours, the reality is that folks in our lives walk into our “rooms,” and may make incorrect or unkind assessments about us.

How, then, can we increase our feelings of connectedness, decrease bitterness, alleviate frustration and help ourselves and others feel seen? Practice gratitude. I know, that sounds too simple, right?

According to Dr. Robert Emmons, practice thankfulness. In his book Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier he asserts that habits of gratitude and thankfulness can be built up like a muscle.

Even if you disdain to build physical muscle, you may want to build your thankfulness muscle. Why? Dr. Emmons says that practicing thankfulness regularly, has been shown to have measurable psychological, physical and interpersonal benefits . (3)

I get it you don’t feel seen. But, Mom, isn’t it amazing that you don’t have to wait for others to see value in you for you to benefit from thinking about and being thankful for value in others? And – you’ll still reap the benefit of feeling better about yourself and your world.

Hey, let’s try this. Think about someone in your life. I’ll think about someone in mine. Now, in the next 24 hours speak to them (don’t text) and thank them for their contribution to your life or to the world.

I did this recently and it led to some deeper connections with my family.

None of this negates the challenges you face right now. However, none of the challenges of your present life negate the beauty and power of what you can build day by thankful day.

Let’s keep the conversation going. I’d love to hear what you have to say about thankfulness. Also, please suggest a topic you’d like to see addressed in a future blog.

Thankful for you!

xoxo Kimberly