Help! Love, MOM

This is the third of 4 posts for the New Year, New Inner You series. I.O.U.S. Prayer – New Year, New Inner You is the first in the series and Suffering? Hold onto Hope! is the second.

Along with power, wealth and fame, love is one of America’s favorite preoccupations. If you don’t believe me just look at the Inauguration where the super wealthy (and a fiancee) were seated in front of current elected figures.

The feeling of love and the ability to love: both are powerful. From little kids’ playground crushes, to the identities of our favorite celebrities’ dates, all the way up to the long term, battle-tested relationships of our family members, we are obsessed with love: expressing it, finding it, being defined by it.

Why? Because we need love.

Many of us have had some experience with what I’ll call “real love:” family, friends, co-workers, team mates, frat brothers, sorors, people who truly love us, who support us in love and who will call us out in love. These are the ones with whom we have formed deep connections. These are the ones with whom we fall out and back in love.

On the whole, in terms of love, there are those of us who know warmth, affection and acceptance, not perfection but the “perfect imperfections” (of which Mr. Legend sings) that we long for and need, especially, when life gets tough.

However, there are those of us who have been disillusioned, and, perhaps even abused by those who claimed to love us. The flayed feelings, the betrayals, the daggers that hurt us, the agony of abandonment, the terrors that terrorized us, the offenses overwhelmed us.

Yet, daily, our eternal souls require love.

1 Corinthians is a book of the bible written by one of the men who saw Jesus when he was alive. Those men are called apostles.

Not all of the apostles also wrote scripture, however, Apostle Paul did: a lot of scripture! Paul offers scriptural evidence of the divinely profound, and timeless nature of love.

Chapter 13 of 1 Corinthians is a scripture often read at weddings. Paul lays out a blueprint for how we can embody love not only on special days like marriage ceremonies, but, also in our everyday lives.

Paul appears to suggest that, as we navigate the complexities of relationships—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers—it is essential to remember that love is not merely a feeling but is a necessary, deliberate, choice and action.

The passage reads:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version

In a world that often emphasizes self-interest and competition, cultivating a loving spirit can feel challenging, indeed, real love can feel counter-cultural. However, embodying these attributes of love is essential to living a fulfilling and enriched life. It is essential, not merely suggested, to both give and receive love.

Consider these three points to help us love well, grounded in the timeless wisdom of the scripture.

1. Cultivate Patience in Relationships

“Love is patient.” This opening statement reminds us that genuine love requires us to practice patience, both with ourselves and also with others. Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

In our fast-paced world, although instant gratification is the norm, patience is the fertile soil in which love can flourish. Patience can allow understanding and tolerance to grow. These three together will tend to be amazing soil in which to love well.

When we are patient, we create space for growth—both our own growth and that of those around us. Patience will help us to recognize that everyone is on their own journey, grappling with struggles, fears, and insecurities.

Practicing patience can help us manage our expectations. It encourages us to listen more and judge less. Let’s say it together: we listen and we don’t judge.

This not only strengthens our relationships but also cultivates a sense of peace within ourselves—both of which are essential to loving well.

2. Exercise Kindness Every Day

“Love is kind.” Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. Kindness, in the service of love, is not simply a spontaneous act; it is a habitual practice.

In this age, instant communication can lead to instant misunderstandings coupled with a lack of empathy. Therefore, it is super important to integrate kindness into the fabric of our daily interactions.

Think about this, maybe we shouldn’t reserve our kindness exclusively for those we know well. Maybe, especially if you lead groups, to extend kindness to strangers helps create a culture of compassion in your office, on your team, in your family—one that fosters connections in unexpected ways.

A simple “thank you” to a cashier, a generous tip to the wait staff, or, lending a helping hand to someone in need can be fulfilling to you and may create a ripple effect of love throughout your sphere of influence.

As you know, kindness can manifest itself in various forms, but in order to be received kindness must be authentic: a warm smile, or even just taking the time to listen when someone needs to vent. In our busy-ness, we often overlook the so-called “small” gestures assuming they don’t carry much weight. However, these acts can profoundly impact someone’s day—or even life.

When I was a pregnant teen I had a horrible first trimester. I was often ill, apparently, with motion sickness. I threw up several mornings in a row on the subway. I could feel the nausea building but nothing I did kept it at bay. Embarrassed, ill; I was already 17 and pregnant. Good grief! What else could happen?!

While I will never know the identities of the ladies who came to my aid on those days, I will always be grateful that they were willing to kindly and graciously extend themselves in response to the dire need of a stinky, stranger.

Additionally, consider the impact of kindness in challenging situations. When conflict arises—whether in our personal relationships or at work—making the choice to be kind can de-escalate tensions and foster an environment which reorients the conversation toward conciliation.

3. Embrace the Power of Forgiveness

“Love keeps no record of wrongs.” It is easy to say we love someone, but when faced with conflict, our minds may start to automatically tally grievances like a scorekeeper.

I can’t help it; this is my automatic response! I pray about this habit of mine. However, I also remind myself that holding onto grudges and resentment undermines the very essence of love.

In my last post I recommended a book to you, The Forgiving Self by Dr. Robert Karen.

By the grace of God one section in the book has been with me since I first read it all those years ago. I commend it to you:

“All sustained relationships depend to some extent on forgiveness. Without forgiveness there could be no allowance for human frailty. We would keep moving on searching for perfect connections with mythical partners who would never hurt or disappoint. In that sense, forgiveness should be thought of not only as a discrete event but also as a way of being.”

The Forgiving Self, Dr. Robert Karen, pp 5-6

It changed my life to realize that EVERY SUSTAINED RELATIONSHIP requires forgiveness. I was used to to being cut out of people’s lives and cutting folks out of mine. IT WAS REVOLUTIONARY for me to consider forgiveness as a way of relationship maintenance.

The ability to forgive saved my emotional self and preserved dear friendships of, now, several decades.

Forgiveness does not mean permitting negative behavior or disregarding our own feelings; rather, it is a conscious choice to free ourselves from the burden of negativity and toxicity in all of it’s forms.

Therefore, you may forgive and continue the relationship or you may choose to forgive and forego the relationship. The choice is yours BUT whether the relationship is sustained or released, you have the power to forgive.

Forgiveness had a transformative power in my life. I mentioned previously that forgiving my mom helped make available the energy for me to move toward my own life goals – not as vindication for past hurts – but rather to fulfill the calling God put into my heart regarding career and college.

I am a witness that, when we can forgive others, we not only liberate them but also ourselves. Forgiveness allows us to move forward without carrying the weight of past hurts and grievances.

So, how can we practice forgiveness? Try starting small. I didn’t – I was desperate at the time for a change, but, I do recommend starting small to you.

Reflect on minor irritations or misunderstandings and consciously choose to release them. Over time, this practice builds resilience as well as capacity and allows us to address deeper issues with a more open heart.

Remember, forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey.

If reconciling with someone feels overwhelming, please consider speaking to a trusted friend or to a mentor for guidance. Seeking support can provide you with the tools and perspective needed to work through difficult emotions and the road toward healing and renewed connection.

For example, when I was working through the most difficult part of forgiving my mom, I was seeing a counselor regularly.

Conclusion: A Journey of Love

Loving well may not be simple, but it is one of the most rewarding journeys we can undertake. By cultivating patience, practicing kindness, and embracing forgiveness, we align ourselves with the divine nature of love as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. We also give our selves permission to grow.

Each step we take toward loving well deepens our character, enriches our relationships, and ultimately allows us to accurately reflect the love that we have received from God and others.

In other words, to love well is evidence that we are truly “growing somewhere.”

Blessings!

xoxoKimberly