Help! Love, MOM

In one withering question I heard a young mother’s pivotal life choice both tried and judged, inferring that the woman was the worst sort of parent.

Referring to her decision to place her first child for adoption immediately after birth the question: “What kind of a mother would do that?” left me shocked and bewildered.

“We are born princes and the civilizing process makes us frogs. ― Dr. Eric Berne

I continued to listen to the commentary, thankful that the young person, the subject of the conversation, was not in the meeting.

However I feared, that is, my gut told me that, many times previously, this kid had been regaled with the very same sentiment.

It appeared to me that the family member, in his zealous hunt for a cause, a reason, an explanation for the youth’s wayward ways had pulled out a “script,” a life script that is, pointed accusingly at the mom. It sounded like an old one.

“Everyone carries his parents around inside of him.” ― Dr. Eric Berne, Games People Play

Because the phrase “life script” is not popular in the same way that, say, “influencer,” or, “woke” is, it may be an unfamiliar term. However, life scripts are thought to be important components of one’s quality of life.

The theory surrounding life scripts is grounded in transactional analysis or TA.

“Transactional analysis,” pioneered by Dr. Eric Berne, “is a theory of communication, of personality, and child development which offers us a way of understanding ourselves, our childhood, our behavior,” says Vitalis Coaching and Therapy.

Sara Wilson of The Guardian , further unpacking Dr. Berne’s research comments that, “A life script is another way of describing the [transactional analysis, or] meaning we attribute to the events that happen to us. Depending on our particular script, we can interpret an event in a number of different ways.”

Ms. Wilson continues, “Psychologists believe that our life scripts are usually created in childhood. Understanding our particular script can help us to see how it influences our thoughts, and may help us to come up with more positive thoughts and actions.”

Life scripts are different for every individual, they usually show evidence of common themes and, they can be positive or negative.

A life script might be filled with agency like “I can figure it out,” or, it could be fatalistic as in “Good things never come to me.” It could also be many other things, but, according to TA, life scripts are always with us, installed, running in the background of your life and mine.

Sometimes pugnacious but often affable, reflective and brimming with possibility this young person, who was placed by mom for adoption from birth, is a teen struggling to find and follow a career path that resonates and friends that will help them to elevate.

This young person is among many facing a life stage crossroads. For youths, challenges and opportunities appear to be everywhere, and are, therefore, hard to ignore.

Do any of these sound familiar?

• This fellow is at a stage of life where many teens find themselves: pierced by anxiety and indecision, they struggle to transition from your nest into their next.

• There are also young people whose future is planned and their path forward is clear. However, they may be motivated by a life script which says, “I’ll show you I can do it!” Set up for success but not satisfaction in life, they may fail to enjoy the very prizes they work so diligently to achieve.

• The aphorism, comparison kills is hard to deny. It’s equally difficult to not look over the social media fence where acceptance posts, video victory laps et cetera abound.

• Certainly there are many more! How much more challenging it is to make productive life choices with the installed life script: “Your mother is defective and so are you.”

Indeed, it appears that adopted kids can be prone to identity struggles.

However, those adoptees who experienced a closed procedure, — this is an adoption where little if any information about the birth parent(s) or the child are disclosed one to the other — are especially susceptible to emotional struggles tethered to the adoption itself.

Closed adoption may make children more likely to struggle with their self-esteem and identity as they grow up. These unanswered questions can lead to many emotional challenges, such as feelings of rejection or abandonment, a sense that they were “unwanted” or unloved by their birth parents, and more.

American Adoptions

In this young person’s case, of course, many of the adoption details were well known.

However, I was struck by the thought that the adoptive family missed the opportunity to give their child a powerful life script.

How would that youth’s life be different if the adopted family – relatives – had delivered the consistent message, “You are greatly loved. You were specifically chosen by God to join this family as a dear child.”

How will life change for this young person if — when?? — they get clear about how precious their life is?

May I encourage you? Join TEAM: Flip the (Life) Script! Let’s support the youth in our sphere of influence.

Let’s offer clear feedback and signals that, far from being damaged and defective, adoption being the “proof,” they are divine, destined to make a positive mark in their generation that cannot be erased.

However, the “If I’m adopted I must be defective,” life script and mode of thinking must be a powerful one as it is said to have been a negative driver for one of the world’s most powerful men.

Steve Jobs, an adoptee, may be said to have had a life script that foregrounded a sense of abandonment.

Walter Isaacson, Steve Jobs biographer, wrote that “Jobs confided to close friends that he was driven by the pain he was feeling about being put up for adoption and not knowing about his birth parents.”

This despite Mr. Jobs having also said that his adoptive parents were kind, loving and “1000%” on his side.

Think of it: feelings of abandonment may have lived alongside Mr. Jobs’ achievements, affluence and acclaim.

God the Father, the great and gracious Parent of spiritual, adopted children, gives to all of His kids love, identity and belonging. Jesus says to all who come to Him for salvation St John 15:16, “You did not choose me. I chose you.”

This verse saved me from sinking into a despair and desperation I have not felt in many years. To know that I have been chosen as one of God’s children, by God’s only son Jesus strengthened me to go on when I felt like I had a right to give up.

To the ones the Lord Jesus adopts He also says in 1 John 3:1, “Think how much the Father loves us. He loves us so much that He lets us be called His children, as we truly are.”

In other words, Jesus is saying that, You and I are loved more than we could imagine, with a kind of love that we cannot understand because that love is not of this world.

Jesus invites us to be His children.

Undoubtedly, spiritual adoption is one of the best things that can happen to a person. My new life script is: CHOSEN! What’s yours?

More about adoption next time.

Chosen!

xoxo Kimberly